She enters in full-blown technicolor

Self-portraits for the month of July 2009!
July 15th: Daydreams

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Discovery 13:
Let's all be hopeful together: Love


This is Saturday, July 11, 2009!
A juxtaposition of family and Dumblewhores...see & enjoy!
( Dumbledores? Whores?  )

you guys may not hear from me for a while. my laptop keyboard is busted and this onscreen keyboard is eating my life away :(

i'll still be reading and i haven't died, so pleeeeease don't delete me!

so lately i've been using lemon juice on my skin...and might i say that shit works...along with witch hazel, brown sugar, and apple cider vinegar....holy fuck. i smell like a kitchen but damn that shit works

Self-portraits for the month of July 2009!
July 10th: Exhaustion



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http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/Pool-Boots-Kids-Who-Might-Change-the-Complexion.html

I just remembered the book 11 minutes. Maria was reading it with gary. They read some other of dude's books and talked about them. When she was telling me about that book and the story of fictional maria and her would-be boyfriend, she was talking about herself and gary, but I thought she was talking about me and her.

Self-portraits for the month of July 2009!
July 7th: Beginning Ballet


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So with every step she takes closer to gary, maria takes a step further away from me.

And she takes those steps willingly, happily, while smiling.

All it means to my heart is that she loves him more than she loves me. More than she ever loved me.

I keep expecting her to stop. To decide one step more would be too far. To find a balance, an equilibrium where her desire to be close to me balances out her desire for him. As tragic as it would be to find out in that stasis how many times more important to her he is, because she spends that much more time with him, it would be better than this......

She drifts a drifts and drifts further away, with no stopping point in sight. No sign of slowing down. Her attraction to him grows. Her connection to me fades. I am the past. He is the future. I am nothing. He is everything.

I miss mone.

So maria's eye is working 20/20 now and she's all happy. I talked to her for half an hour, out of guilt over "what-if she can't see."

Sounds like she and gary are settled in pretty deep. They woke up and had breakfast, cooked lunch and cleaned the house together this weekend.

Not that long ago, Like 8-12 months maria said to me "we're almost done!" when I told her I was close to graduating. We like the two of us. We were waiting for me to graduate. At the time I said "what do you mean we?" and she changed it to "you're almost done". I wanted to feel that she was waiting for me.

Today I told her that I was thinking of delaying graduation, and she had no opinion. "You can do whatever you want". I feel smaller than the . at the end of this sentence.

Discovery 12:
Absolutely cannot wait for Alice in Wonderland!



The summer update I've been slacking on!
It's all here!
NorCal, San Diego, Camp, annnnd...more! Enjoy!
( Happy July! )

So, Maria doesn't realize it or say it, but Gary is trying to keep me away from her. He knows I don't want to see him, so he is with her all the time. In psychology they call it mate guarding. She has surgery in the morning to try and fix the surgery she had in april that fucked up her eye. I would normally call her to see how she's doing, or hell i would have taken her to the surgery center, but I don't see hoe that helps either of us anymore.

So I decided two things:

1) I am not going to hurt over Maria anymore.
2) I am not going to abuse my friendship with Mone by developing feelings for her as a way to avoid feelings for Maria. (There are a million reasons for a guy to fall for her besides "I am rebounding over somebody else", which is the opposite of flattery).

Let's see if I can stick to it.

Self-portraits for the month of July 2009!
July 3rd: For Those Moments